Words carry great weight in relationships. The ways we share and demonstrate words can deepen bonds or slowly damage trust and connection. Sometimes, it’s not the bold and hurtful words that harm, but the little phrases we regularly use that are casual and negligible. Here are some dreaded phrases that could secretly be damaging your relationships without you even noticing.
“You always…” or “You never…”
If you start off a statement with “you always” or “you never” you will put the other person automatically into defensive mode. By saying either of these phrases, it generalizes the other person behavior, and makes them feel as if they are being unfairly accused. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try starting off with something like, “I feel unheard when I talk, and would love for us to communicate better.” This way, you are taking the emphasis off blame and putting it towards resolution.
“I Am Fine”
When you are not OK, saying “I’m fine” stops genuine conversation. It shows your partner that you do not trust them with your real thoughts. Over time, this creates emotional distance. You need to share your feelings in a calm and productive manner.
“It Is Not a Big Deal”
When your partner is bothered by something, it is important to them. When you say, “It isn’t a big deal,” it can make them feel like their feelings are not important and they feel ignored or dismissed. A better way to respond to your partner would be to say, “I can tell this is important to you. I’m willing to have a discussion about it.”
“That’s Just How I Am”
This statement is frequently utilized to evade accountability for one’s actions or conduct. Saying, “That’s just how I am,” denotes an unwillingness to evolve or barter, which may infuriate your partner. Being in a relationship entails work and self-betterment. Acknowledging shortcomings and being available to evolution makes better sense.
“You Are Too Sensitive”
Saying a person is too sensitive dismisses their feelings and makes them feel their feelings don’t matter. Instead of saying this, say, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Can you help me understand how you’re feeling?” This will allow for understanding and not shutting down the conversation.
“Whatever”
This short word may seem small, but it carries a world of dismissal. Saying “Whatever” signals that you don’t care or have no interest, and it can be hurtful and frustrating. It can make your partner feel unimportant or unheard. Instead, use, “I don’t fully agree, but I can respect your opinion.”
“Calm Down”
Telling someone to “calm down” when they are upset rarely helps and usually has the opposite effect; it minimizes their feelings and makes them feel dismissed. Instead, try saying “I see you are upset. Let’s take a minute and work through this.”
“I Told You So”
Even if you were right, saying “I told you so” only breeds resentment. It makes your partner feel small, embarrassed, or foolish. Do not rub salt in the wound, support them would be better and proceed as a team.
“You Are Acting Crazy”
To call someone “crazy” is to be hurtful and dismissive. It makes people feel invalidated, hurt, and can lead to mistrust. It would be better to acknowledge their feelings, and ask what is the heart of the issue.
“If You Really Loved Me, You Would…”
This is a manipulative phrase. It puts fictitious pressure on your partner and can lead to guilt-based actions (as opposed to genuine, loving actions). Instead, state your needs to your partner as a request, instead of a test of love.
“Why Can’t You Be More Like…”
When you compare your partner to another person— a friend, an ex-partner, or any family member, you invite discomfort and jealousy to feature in the relationship. Rather than making a comparison, you are better served being direct about what you need, e.g. “I would love it if we could work through this together.”
“It Is Your Fault”
Accusing your partner abruptly refuses to engage in constructive dialogue. A more productive approach to the issue is to share responsibility. Try using a phrase like “I think we both made contribution to this. Let’s work on it together.”
“You Don’t Make Me Happy Anymore”
You are responsible for your own happiness, not your partner. That phrase puts the burden of your emotions on your partner, and that is unfair to them. Instead, say what is missing in a collaborative way, such as, “I feel like we have been distanced recently, how can we reconnect?”
“Just Forget It”
This expression commonly arises when someone is feeling unheard, only furthering emotional barriers; it conveys that the topic or problem isn’t worthy of discussion or resolution, perpetuating bottled-up emotions. Instead say, “I need time to think about this, but I would like to discuss it later.”
“You Are Just Like Your Mother/Father”
Talking badly about someone’s parents can be quite painful. Those comments turn a disagreement into a personal attack. If you dislike a person’s behavior, address it specifically and don’t address people with general statements.
“I Don’t Care”
Even if you are frustrated, “I don’t care” gives your partner the impression that they are unimportant to you. This leads to emotional distance and damages the bond between the two of you. Instead, try saying, “I am feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we talk about this later?”
“You Should Just Get Over It”
Healing and forgiving can take time. Telling someone to move on denigrates their pain, creating isolation. Better words might be, “I’m aware this seems difficult for you. What can I do to support you?”
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