You never know the weird part of growing up is losing friends without actually losing them. There is no argument, no big fallout, and nothing is ‘wrong,’ it’s just fewer replies, fewer plans, and a feeling that something feels off. And nope, you don’t hate them, you just don’t fit with them anymore.
In your 30’s and early 40’s, your life is moving around on its own accord, and some friendships will fall through the cracks and die, just because you are not the same person you were when you needed them.
Your tolerance for nonsense is lower, your standards are higher, and your energy has a price tag. And suddenly, the friendships that once felt natural start feeling like emotional clutter you forgot to throw out a decade ago.
The Friend Who Only Shows Up When They Need Something
This friend disappears into the unknown when times are good, and then suddenly they reappear when things are falling apart, and when they don’t know what to do.
In your twenties, you thought this was “loyalty,” now, in your thirties, you see it as an unhealthy imbalance. You start to become aware of how little they reach out to you when things are good, how rarely they check in unless they are struggling.
You then realize friendship should not feel transactional. You learn that emotional labor is not unlimited, and when people reach out to you only when they are at their lowest, you stop offering your time to them.
The Friend Who Only Sees the Old Version of You
This type of friend remembers you as who you were years back, not who you are now – the current adult version of you. They bring up everything about the old you: the mistakes you made, the habits you had, the labels you have clearly outgrown.
They keep you locked in the book you’d finished a long time ago. You need to associate with people who recognise your growth and development rather than being with those who are still stuck in nostalgia. Ultimately, you surround yourself with those who understand you now rather than continuing to remind you of the person you no longer are.
The Friend Who’s Locked into “Party Mode”
Some people still think that the best nights are the ones that end at sunrise with no memories and total regret. And that is exactly the idea of the friend who still has the “party mode” turned on. Meanwhile, you’re looking forward to leaving early so you can wake up the next morning and be somewhat functional – what this comes down to is age versus priorities.
Every hangout with them revolves around getting wasted, and now you’re sick of the idea of getting hammered. So, the connection with them starts feeling really thin. And it’s not like you hate fun, you just do not want to recover for three days afterward.
The Friend Who Still Thinks Chaos Is a Lifestyle Choice
When you were in your early twenties, the chaos that this friend brought was exciting and wild. Every time you met up, there was drama, impulsive decisions, and a story that ended with, “I don’t even know what happened.” The energy that they brought at that time seemed to be “alive.” But now, you’re exhausted by that chaos.
You’ve come to understand that peace is not boring; it is earned. And when you meet that friend who is always in turmoil, at some point, you realize that you are now starting to outgrow that ride.
The Friend Who Is Always Struggling (But Never Changing)
Everybody has a hard time at one point or another, but the one thing that you come to realize about this friend is that they are always going to be asking you for help. You hear the same story, over and over again, about their job, their relationship, and their personal issues. When you used to talk to them in the start, you were empathetic and offered to help, but then it became clear that you weren’t helping at all.
All your listening has actually turned into you being a sponge to their problems, and they continue to be negative all the time. And you are absorbing all of their negativity as well. Your 30s teach you that being compassionate does not require you to sacrifice yourself, so you begin to see that actually stepping outside of this situation is what is best for you.
The Friend Who Turns Everything into a Contest
Every achievement feels like a struggle when you are with a friend like this. When you get a well-earned promotion, a new relationship, or achieve a personal goal, their responses are somewhat forced and do not match your enthusiasm.
At first, you thought nothing of it and accepted their behavior as their nature, but now, as you enter your thirties, you can see the difference between a true friend and someone who feels inferior because they are always comparing themselves to you instead of growing. So, the dynamic of the friendship changes forever.
The Friend Who Refuses to Grow Up
They laugh at accountability. They roll their eyes at boundaries and call maturity “boring.” But you, on the other hand, have done the work and learned lessons the hard way – really expensive lessons. Now your values are different; you value stability, accountability, and emotional intelligence above all.
Spending time with someone who straight-up refuses to grow feels like you are carrying around your past with you. And no, you don’t judge them; you just cannot keep shrinking yourself to make them feel at home.
The Friend Who Doesn’t Respect Boundaries
Now that you have grown into a responsible person, they still want unlimited access to you, expect instant replies, and emotional availability whenever they want. Once you say “no” to them, they take offence and do everything they can to manipulate you into feeling guilty.
Being a teenager, you would have justified or given explanations for your decisions to say “no,” however, as an adult, you understand that your boundaries do not require permission from anyone. Anyone who reacts negatively to your limits was benefiting from you having none. And that realization changes everything.
18 Phrases That Sound Supportive But Are Actually Dismissive
These words are sweet-sounding, but they quietly shut you down, make you doubt yourself, or trivialize your hurt. From friends, partners, or even your therapist, these condescending one-liners are everywhere — and we’re calling them out.
18 Phrases That Sound Supportive But Are Actually Dismissive