Growing up, we accepted many things simply because we didn’t know any better. It was not until adulthood, when therapy, self-reflection, or just raw experience kicked in, that we realized some of those childhood “norms” were toxic. It is not about blaming our parents or caregivers. They did the best they could with what they knew. But recognizing these patterns helps us heal, grow, and avoid passing them down to the next generation. Here are 15 childhood experiences you didn’t realize were toxic until now.
Being Told to “Just Ignore It” When You Were Bullied
If you ever went to an adult for help after being bullied and were told to “just ignore it” or “be the bigger person,” you were essentially taught that your feelings didn’t matter. While resilience is essential, being constantly dismissed can make you believe that standing up for yourself is pointless. This can lead to struggles with setting boundaries, difficulties dealing with toxic people, and asserting yourself as an adult.
Forced Affection
Many of us grew up being told to hug or kiss relatives, even when we didn’t want to. While this might have seemed like a way to teach respect or affection, it actually sent a dangerous message that our comfort and bodily autonomy didn’t matter. As adults, this can manifest in difficulty saying “no” or feeling obligated to please others at our own expense.
Hearing “What Will People Say?” Too Often
If every decision in your childhood was controlled by “What will the neighbors think?” or “What will relatives say?” you were raised to prioritize external validation over personal happiness. This can create anxiety, self-doubt, and an inability to trust your own decisions. Living for others’ approval can make finding your identity hard.
Emotional Blackmail Disguised as Love
Did you ever hear, “If you really loved me, you would do this” or “After everything I have done for you, how could you disappoint me?” Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation that can make children feel responsible for their parents’ happiness. They made you feel selfish for having needs or emotions. As an adult, you may struggle with guilt, over-explaining yourself, or feeling like you owe people more than you actually do.
Being Expected to Be “The Mature One” in the Family
Were you the “responsible” child who had to help raise siblings, mediate conflicts, or act as your parents’ therapist? This role is often called parentification. It forces children to grow up too fast and places an unfair emotional weight on their shoulders. Now, you might feel responsible for solving other people’s problems or guilty for putting your needs first, even at the cost of your own well-being.
Never Being Allowed to Express Feelings
If you were constantly told, “You are overreacting,” “Calm down,” or “Stop being dramatic,” you might struggle with validating your own emotions today. Dismissing children’s feelings teaches them their emotions aren’t real or important. This invalidation can cause you to second-guess your feelings, leading to difficulties trusting yourself and expressing your needs in relationships.
Comparing You to Others Constantly
“You should be more like your cousin or brother.” “Look at how well your friend does in school.” Despite the intention of motivating you, comparisons often do the opposite. They instilled insecurity and made you believe you were never good enough. Even as an adult, you might battle self-doubt and the constant feeling of not measuring up.
No Privacy or Personal Space
If your parents read your diary, listened to your phone calls, or barged into your room without knocking, you might have grown up feeling like you had no right to privacy. As an adult, this can lead to discomfort with asserting personal boundaries or feeling like you need to justify your need for space.
Emotional Neglect Labeled as “Tough Love”
Some parents believe withholding affection or being harsh will make their kids stronger. But in reality, a lack of emotional support can leave deep scars. If you struggle with self-worth, can’t express vulnerability, or have difficulty forming close relationships, it might be because you weren’t given the emotional nurturing you needed as a child.
Unhealthy Views on Money
As a child, you may have heard statements such as “Money doesn’t grow on trees” or “We can’t afford that, but look at what your cousin has.” If financial struggles were constantly emphasized, you might have developed an unhealthy relationship with money, either feeling extreme anxiety about finances or struggling with overspending due to a scarcity mindset.
Toxic Gender Roles Passed Down Through Generations
Many of us grew up with outdated gender expectations. Boys were told to “man up” and never cry, while girls were expected to be nurturing and obedient. These limiting beliefs can affect self-expression, emotional intelligence, and relationship dynamics in adulthood. Breaking free from these roles can take years of unlearning.
Being Pressured to Follow a Specific Life Path
Did your family push you toward a certain career, hobby, or lifestyle, regardless of what you wanted? Many children grow up feeling like their own dreams don’t matter. When you cannot make choices as a child, you struggle with decision-making and self-confidence as an adult. Further, you may feel lost or unfulfilled in careers and relationships chosen for you rather than by you.
Never Hearing “I am Sorry” from Adults
If your parents never apologized when they were wrong, you might have internalized the idea that authority figures are never accountable. This can make it difficult for you to acknowledge your own mistakes or make you overly tolerant of people who refuse to take responsibility for their actions.
Parents Making Jokes at Your Expense
“You are so slow.” “You are always messing things up.” These “harmless” jokes, especially when repeated, stuck with us. They made us doubt our abilities, fear judgment, and develop self-esteem issues that carried into adulthood.
Toxic “Respect Your Elders” Culture
Respecting others is important. However, many of us were raised to believe that adults, especially parents, teachers, and relatives, were always right, even when they were wrong or hurtful. This made it harder to stand up to toxic authority figures as adults.
18 Things Your Parents Taught You That Were Totally Wrong
From outdated life lessons to straight-up myths, there’s a lot we were taught as kids that turned out to be total nonsense. It is time to unlearn the lies and upgrade your mindset (like a real grownup). Here, we’ll call out 19 things your parents told you that were completely wrong.
18 Things Your Parents Taught You That Were Totally Wrong
How Your Childhood Shapes Every Relationship You’ll Ever Have
How your parents treated you, the amount of love (or lack thereof) you received, and even disastrous family dinners all played a lasting role in your life. Let’s see how your childhood subtly controls every relationship you’ll ever have.
How Your Childhood Shapes Every Relationship You’ll Ever Have