A woman finds herself in a strained relationship with her brother-in-law (John), which has deteriorated recently after six years of being part of the same family.
Challenging Dynamics
To provide some background, when John was 19, he and his ex-girlfriend (Jane) experienced the tragic loss of their baby due to severe birth complications when the child was just two months old.
Memorial Gatherings
Although John and Jane broke up, they continued to meet every year on the baby’s birthday for lunch. Since entering a relationship with the woman’s sister, John started hosting a small gathering for the family to offer support, given that Jane moved to a different country and John didn’t have much family around.
Personal Tragedy
When the OP was 16 years old, her boyfriend passed away suddenly, leaving her devastated. Her loss was unexpected, with no prior indications. Seeking solace, she has been attending therapy and grief counseling to cope with the loss.
The Grief Competition
However, over the past two years, John has turned grief into a competitive matter. This behavior deeply hurts the woman because she used to view him as a role model, particularly when handling grief and moving forward. Yet, instead of allowing her to mourn her boyfriend, he constantly emphasizes how losing a child is “sooooooo much woooooorse.”
Comparing Losses
It is important to note that the woman has never experienced the loss of a child. She has never been pregnant or suffered a miscarriage, so she acknowledges that she cannot fully comprehend the emotional impact of such a tragedy. However, she is weary of John’s habit of diminishing her grief and belittling her pain. For instance, when she lost her appetite, John remarked, “When I lost my baby, I couldn’t eat either. I had lost a part of me. You just lost a person. You weren’t connected. So it’s not as bad.”
Contemplating Attendance
The memorial birthday party is scheduled for early June, and the woman has been extended an invitation. However, she expressed reluctance to attend to her mother and sister, explaining her reasons.
Her Family Disagrees With Her
Her mother and sister became upset, accusing her of exaggerating the issue and suggesting that she should let go of this perceived pettiness for the sake of John. They asserted that her absence would be seen as douchey.
Weighing the Decision
The woman is now grappling with whether she is in the wrong for not wanting to participate in the event due to John’s competitive attitude towards grief. She questions whether it is reasonable to prioritize her emotional well-being and avoid a potentially distressing situation.
The Internet Weighs In
The woman took her story to the internet to see if she was unreasonable and selfish or if she should stand by her decision. Here is what a few had to say on Reddit.
“So, John has turned his grief into an annual theatrical event and forces your entire family to attend as his captive audience. Sounds super performative and disgusting.”
“He seems so incredibly insensitive. He doesn’t get to gatekeep grief. Grief is individual experience that is valid and shouldn’t be belittled or compared. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Most People Disagree With His Behavior
“Right, probably why the ex moved country’s. He wouldn’t let her move on. I would be hesitant to have kids with him.”
“He sounds appalling. Like you say: it’s not a competition. Maybe it was worse for him, doesn’t mean it is not terrible for you. Seems suffering has not taught him anything, not empathy anyway. You can’t deal with people like that.”
“That’s not grieving for grief; that’s grieving for attention. It’s almost narcissistic”
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15 Hidden Ways Women Subconsciously Sabotage Their Relationships
These behaviors can be conscious or subconscious and may include over-analyzing or lack of communication. By being aware of these potential pitfalls, women can work to avoid these behaviors and foster stronger, healthier relationships.
15 Hidden Ways Women Subconsciously Sabotage Their Relationships
Source: Reddit