It started with a moment of accidental observation. My daughter had just finished a drawing she’d worked on for nearly an hour, and when she held it up, I said, “Good job!” without even really looking. She set it down, said nothing, and walked away. It struck me that she didn’t seem satisfied. She seemed to be waiting for something more, or maybe something completely different.
That small exchange sent me down a months-long rabbit hole of parenting research, and what I found was uncomfortable but clarifying. The reflexive “good job” that most of us say dozens of times a day might be doing less than we think, and in some cases, quietly working against the qualities we actually want to build in our kids. Here’s an honest account of what changed when I stopped.
Why "Good Job" Feels Right but Often Isn't
Why "Good Job" Feels Right but Often Isn't (Image Credits: Unsplash)
“Good job” is one of the most overused praise phrases spoken to young children. It rolls off the tongue automatically, requires no real attention, and feels warm in the moment. The problem is that warmth and usefulness aren’t the same thing.
Until recently, many parents held the mistaken belief that it’s important to shower children with constant praise. Praising our children is instinctual, almost a reflex. Any time a child does something wonderful, it seems natural to say “Great job!” Praise can benefit motivation and self-esteem, but these effects aren’t always lasting. The ultimate goal should be to nurture a child’s intrinsic motivation. We don’t want our children to become addicted to praise, motivated solely by external approval.
What the Research Actually Says About Generic Praise
What the Research Actually Says About Generic Praise (Image Credits: Pexels)
There are different kinds of praise, and psychologists have studied the effects of these on children’s motivation, performance, and self-esteem. Researchers have found that positive value judgments of a child’s abilities or accomplishments are often less effective than other kinds of praise or encouragement. In fact, this kind of praise can have some unwanted consequences.
Research has demonstrated that generic praise is related to children giving up after failure because failure implies the lack of a critical trait. Results indicated that more nongeneric praise related linearly to greater motivation, yet self-evaluation and persistence were impacted differently by inconsistent praise types. Hearing even a small amount of generic praise reduced persistence. That last finding is worth sitting with. Even a little bit of the wrong kind of praise has measurable consequences.
The Fixed Mindset Trap Hidden in Two Words
The Fixed Mindset Trap Hidden in Two Words (Image Credits: Pexels)
Dweck theorizes that parents’ well-intentioned praise contributes to the formation of unproductive fixed-mindset thoughts. Stanford psychology professor Carol Dweck’s decades of research made this problem hard to ignore. Her work reframed how we understand the relationship between praise and a child’s belief about their own abilities.
In studies with children ages four to twelve, when researchers praised children for their ability after a success, they were more likely to reject challenges and fall apart or become defensive when they hit difficulty. When researchers instead praised the process the children engaged in – their effort or their strategies – those children were then eager for challenges and highly persistent in the face of difficulties, because difficulties did not undermine their sense of their ability. The shift is small in wording but significant in outcome.
The Praise Dependency Problem I Didn't See Coming
The Praise Dependency Problem I Didn't See Coming (Image Credits: Unsplash)
One of the more unsettling things I noticed in the first few weeks was how often my kids would complete something and then immediately look at me, waiting. Too much “good job” praise from parents can cause children to lose their internal motivation. They achieve only to receive approval and not because they are interested in what they are learning or feel good about succeeding. This creates adults who are unable to find satisfaction because they don’t have practice in feeling what makes them satisfied.
Children may feel that activities and achievements are more for the sake of external approval and praise than for their own enjoyment. Ultimately, children who receive too much praise may learn to conform instead of innovating. They’re less likely to be creative and self-directing, and they may feel crippled by pressure. They may also choose activities based on what they think will please their parents and earn them the praise they’ve come to need. Recognizing that pattern in my own kids was a turning point.
How Inflated Praise Makes Things Worse, Not Better
How Inflated Praise Makes Things Worse, Not Better (Image Credits: Unsplash)
Parents often provide children with inflated praise. About a quarter of all praise is inflated. Inflated praise is the “amazing,” “incredible,” “fantastic” version of “good job” – the escalated superlative we reach for when we want to seem extra encouraging. It turns out this can backfire in ways that are counterintuitive.
Despite being well-intentioned, inflated praise may not encourage children’s exploration. When children are told they did incredibly well, they may infer that they are expected to do incredibly well all the time. As such, inflated praise may be perceived to contain an implicit demand for continued exceptional performance. Thus, when children receive inflated praise, they may not feel encouraged to explore new strategies to succeed. Ironically, the more enthusiastic the praise, the more it can narrow a child’s appetite for challenge.
What Happened When I Started Describing Instead of Judging
What Happened When I Started Describing Instead of Judging (Image Credits: Unsplash)
The first replacement I tried was descriptive observation. Instead of “good job,” I started narrating what I actually saw. One good alternative to mindless praise is to use descriptive praise instead. Descriptive praise “describes the achievement in terms that the child is likely to recognize the truth, and credit and praise herself,” highlighting specific factual things about how they did the work, not that they did well.
When you comment on what you’re noticing a child doing rather than just praising them for the result, you encourage their positive behaviors. Phrases like “I notice” or “I see” can praise children for what they’re actually doing. Within a couple of weeks, I noticed my kids spending longer on activities. They seemed to be building something for themselves rather than producing something for me. That shift was subtle but real.
The Role of Specificity in Making Praise Actually Land
The Role of Specificity in Making Praise Actually Land (Image Credits: Unsplash)
Psychologists Jennifer Henderlong Corpus and Mark Lepper, who analyzed over thirty years of studies on the effects of praise, found that children are likely to doubt sweeping or general praise, so it’s important to be specific. Children perceive specific praise as more sincere and meaningful. This means “good job” doesn’t just fall flat – children actively doubt it.
Specific praise gives a child more useful information than general praise. Unlike specific praise, “good job” doesn’t tell a child what was good or how they can continue doing well. Praise is not only rewarding but also informative. It can provide children with information about their competence, especially when they are uncertain or unable to judge for themselves. Not all praise is equally meaningful, however: someone who praises only high-quality work is more informative than someone who praises indiscriminately.
What Changed with Failure and Frustration
What Changed with Failure and Frustration (Image Credits: Pixabay)
One of the most unexpected shifts happened not during success, but during difficulty. When my son couldn’t figure out a puzzle, my old instinct had been to say “You’re doing great!” to soften his frustration. But that rarely helped and often felt hollow even to him. Shifting to a descriptive, process-focused response changed the dynamic noticeably.
Research suggests that children praised for ability are more likely to attribute their failure to low ability compared to those who are praised for effort. At the same time, self-worth theory suggests that when an individual’s self-worth is threatened, they are likely to use a self-serving attributional strategy and self-handicapping. Children with a fixed mindset who believe they excel because they were born smart actually feel stupid when faced with a difficult assignment. Those with a growth mindset consistently perform better because they are prepared to rise to a challenge. They are not defeated by a difficult assignment or a bad grade. To them, it simply indicates an area where they need to work harder.
Praising Character, Not Just Performance
Praising Character, Not Just Performance (Image Credits: Pexels)
One thing the research nudged me toward was broadening what I even chose to notice. Performance praise – commenting on completed tasks and outcomes – had dominated my feedback. It’s natural to praise children for good grades, hard work, and stellar athletic or artistic accomplishments. But it’s also important to show a child the value of good character. Complimenting a child for qualities like generosity, kindness, forgiveness, courage, and perseverance matters too.
Showing a child that you care about and appreciate the person they are, not just the things they can do, sends a different and deeper message. When children receive genuine, specific recognition for their efforts, they feel valued and respected, helping to develop a positive self-image and a sense of pride in their abilities. That kind of recognition doesn’t need a “good job” attached to it. It just needs to be real.
Six Months Later: What Actually Changed
Six Months Later: What Actually Changed (Image Credits: Pexels)
It would be dishonest to describe a dramatic transformation. Kids are complex, and no single parenting adjustment rewires them. What I can say is that the dynamic of our interactions around their work shifted in ways I hadn’t predicted. Both of my kids started describing their own work more. They’d explain choices, point out what they were proud of, and occasionally say what they’d do differently – without me prompting any of it.
Growing children who feel empowered, authentically affirmed and intrinsically motivated is key for living well throughout life. It makes a parent’s job easier as a child can move through struggles more successfully, call upon their own selves to solve something, and feel truly competent and capable. When children are praised for the process they engage in – hard work, strategies, focus, persistence – they become better learners. That’s the long game, and six months in, it genuinely feels like we’re playing it a little better.
The real lesson wasn’t that “good job” is terrible. It’s that it was doing my thinking for me. Paying closer attention to what my kids actually did, and saying that back to them, turned out to be far more useful – and far more connecting – than any reflexive two-word approval ever was.