Most couples aren't blowing up their relationships in dramatic fashion. The damage tends to accumulate quietly, through patterns that feel normal, even reasonable, in the moment. A sigh here. A phone glance there. A conversation quietly shelved because the timing never feels right.
What makes these habits so insidious is that they often masquerade as peace-keeping or practicality. Therapists working with couples day after day see the same story: by the time partners arrive in session, these patterns have been running in the background for years, eroding trust in ways neither person fully tracked. Here are seven of them.
1. Stonewalling Instead of Taking a Real Break
1. Stonewalling Instead of Taking a Real Break (Image Credits: Pexels)
Stonewalling is when someone stops engaging during conflict entirely. They may go silent, give one-word answers, stare at the floor, or act like the conversation simply isn’t happening. It looks, from the outside, like calm. It rarely is. When the nervous system perceives a threat to a primary attachment bond, the body launches into survival mode. Heart rate spikes, stress hormones flood the bloodstream, and the prefrontal cortex essentially shuts down, taking language, empathy, and problem-solving along with it.
Even though stonewalling is a biological overwhelm response, the partner on the receiving end experiences it as abandonment. Connection is severed. The conversation is unilaterally ended. The pursuing partner is left emotionally alone, with all their feelings and no one to receive them. The more one partner stonewalls, the more the other pursues. The more they pursue, the more the stonewaller withdraws. Therapists call this the pursuer-withdrawer pattern, and it traps couples in an exhausting cycle.
2. Treating Contempt as Just "Venting Frustration"
2. Treating Contempt as Just "Venting Frustration" (Image Credits: Pexels)
Research from The Gottman Institute identifies contempt, alongside criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, as one of the “Four Horsemen” and a key indicator of a troubled relationship, leading to breakdowns in trust and communication. What sets contempt apart from ordinary frustration is its core ingredient: a sense of superiority. Eye-rolls, mocking tones, sneering dismissals. Partners often don’t recognise these moments for what they are because they feel justified in the heat of conflict.
Through over 30 years of research and observing couples, Dr. Gottman identified what he calls the “magic ratio” of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction during conflict. Contempt, according to Gottman, is the single greatest predictor of divorce. That’s a striking claim. Still, it makes sense when you consider what contempt communicates to a partner: not just “I’m angry with you,” but “I think less of you.” That’s a wound that doesn’t close easily.
3. Phone Snubbing During Shared Time
3. Phone Snubbing During Shared Time (Image Credits: Unsplash)
Partner phubbing, the act of ignoring a romantic partner in favour of a smartphone or digital device, has both behavioural and psychological dimensions. It involves not just the physical act of engaging with a device, but also the emotional consequences for the partner who feels neglected. Conceptually, it disrupts face-to-face communication and can be perceived as a form of micro-betrayal, eroding trust and emotional intimacy.
A survey by the Pew Research Center found that roughly half of adults report their partners engaging in phubbing during personal interactions. That’s a significant proportion, and it tells you how normalised the habit has become. Over time, partner phubbing can significantly diminish relationship quality and stability, as it is often associated with attachment issues, reduced relationship satisfaction, and increased dependence on technology. The tragedy is that most people reaching for their phone during dinner aren’t trying to signal indifference. They don’t even fully register that they’re doing it.
4. Avoiding Conflict in the Name of Keeping the Peace
4. Avoiding Conflict in the Name of Keeping the Peace (Image Credits: Pexels)
Partners who avoid conflict may withhold their feelings or needs to prevent confrontation, which can lead to emotional withdrawal. While this may temporarily preserve peace, it also hinders authentic connection and problem-solving. Over time, the relationship can feel superficial or unsatisfying, and a person may struggle to express genuine emotions even when it’s necessary.
Most disagreements are linked to unmet emotional needs, unresolved insecurities, personal expectations, or differences in communication styles. The real problem frequently lurks beneath the surface of arguments about money, domestic duties, professional priorities, or quality time. Choosing silence over a difficult conversation feels kind. Over time, though, it builds a kind of invisible wall. Criticism, blame, sarcasm, silent treatment, and emotional withdrawal gradually weaken trust. Over time, unresolved emotional tension can lead to resentment and loneliness.
5. Keeping Score Without Saying So
5. Keeping Score Without Saying So (Image Credits: Pexels)
Scorekeeping is one of those patterns that partners rarely acknowledge aloud. It starts subtly: who did the dishes last, who apologised first, who gave in during the last argument. Couple therapists systemically see couples’ distress as the result of reciprocal maladaptive patterns to which each partner contributes. Scorekeeping is exactly that kind of pattern. Neither partner is entirely aware of how much they’re tracking, but both end up feeling unappreciated and misunderstood.
What makes it particularly damaging is how it reframes the relationship from a partnership into a competition. Once you’re cataloguing grievances, every new interaction becomes evidence for a case you’re building against your partner. Healthy, secure relationships are not about being perfect. Healthy couples will sometimes fight and not always say things perfectly. At times, they’ll hurt each other’s feelings or fail to listen well. However, healthy relationships know how to repair and resolve ruptures when they occur. Scorekeeping prevents that repair from ever landing.
6. Emotional Withdrawal as a Default Coping Strategy
6. Emotional Withdrawal as a Default Coping Strategy (Image Credits: Unsplash)
One partner pursues connection, perhaps through complaint or even criticism, while the other retreats to avoid escalating the conflict. The more one partner withdraws, the more the other protests, and the cycle repeats. Psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, describes this as the “pursue-withdraw” pattern. It’s one of the most common cycles therapists see, and one of the hardest for couples to name on their own.
Pulling away emotionally can seem like an effective strategy at first. In the long term, though, these patterns are damaging not only to the relationship but to both partners’ mental health. When emotions are muted, a person becomes disconnected from themselves. The nervous system may compensate by flooding the body with anxiety. And when difficult emotions are suppressed, positive ones tend to go numb too.
7. Criticising the Person Instead of the Behaviour
7. Criticising the Person Instead of the Behaviour (Image Credits: Pexels)
Research from The Gottman Institute identifies criticism as one of the four key behaviours that signal a relationship is in serious trouble. The critical distinction therapists draw is between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint addresses a specific action: “You didn’t call when you said you would.” A criticism goes after the person: “You never think about anyone but yourself.” The second version doesn’t just describe a behaviour. It delivers a verdict on someone’s character.
Couple therapists see distress as the result of reciprocal maladaptive patterns to which each partner contributes. Criticism often accelerates those patterns because it almost always triggers defensiveness, which is itself another of Gottman’s Four Horsemen. Healthy relationships know how to repair and resolve ruptures when they occur. They strive for improvement and are committed to growth. Relationships are a continuous effort, and being aware of these damaging behaviours can help maintain a happy partnership. The difference between a relationship that survives its hard seasons and one that doesn’t often comes down to whether both people are willing to examine how they’re fighting, not just what they’re fighting about.
The patterns described here aren’t signs of bad people. They’re signs of human beings doing what feels safe or familiar under stress. Recognising them is the harder, more useful work.